I’m popping in with a little story for you as I am on “the approach” for my meditation retreat next week.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed that when you register for something that is likely to be healing, or transformational, or growth inspiring of any kind, it starts working with you from that moment of saying YES, I’m in.

I remember being in my cousin’s home in Northern California when the registration for this retreat was opening, led by my other cousin, her brother. I was literally pacing around the space, feeling a lot of keyed up energized sensations in my body, and trying to also get quiet to see what may have been going on.

I felt some fear … on the surface I thought it was perhaps indulging in another retreat when I already have one on the calendar in May.

When I did a few practices with myself to listen in what came through was that I was afraid of what may come up on the retreat. Oh right, that one! That was not a fear that I knew would prevent me from saying YES, so I did register and then promptly jumped around the space and talked to my cousin, who was also chuckling with/at me, for 10 minutes or so to move that energy.

I was in.

That was last October. And now here we are, a few days before we begin and wowsa this approach (what I usually experience as that moment of registration and again in the 2 weeks prior to an event) has been quite possibly the most intense I’ve experienced since I took myself on my first retreat in 2008.

And it’s been moving in and out, lightening and ready and back “in the weeds” of doubt and should I go/should I not go mental loops. This is not a spa vacation kind of retreat, although I will be visiting the spa while I’m there 😉, this is spiritual practice with a large group of dedicated practitioners. I don’t often talk about it, or I haven’t much before now, and I can say that my spiritual practice is what supports me the most in my life … it is rooted in the nervous system and supporting this physical body (it’s called spiritual bypassing if we skip that part and we do not want that) and supports all of my somatic work.

Sometimes this retreat approach goes super deep and sometimes it is lovely and gentle. And, very often I have no clue what was happening on the approach until I get there, or even return home, and can see it more clearly.

You may or may not remember that I pulled the Destroyer archetype card for my year and I am also in a #9 personal year … all of which means dissolution, things that are not aligned WILL go. My job is not to resist, it’s to soften, which is so hard for me when there is energy of letting go and I don’t always know what is trying to go so it feels agitating. Maybe you have had that experience too.

I’ve been practicing softening for the past few days, riding the waves (I actually called them the dragon) of uncomfortableness and all the questions. That’s a much more resourceful approach when it’s available, because we CAN ride waves, or dragons, when we are softer and more responsive. If we are stiff and tense and bracing, not breathing, well then we most likely fall off and get very exhausted trying to resist. It can help to even take a moment to feel into these energetic differences.

This morning while I was waiting for my first client I heard the crew arrive next door to continue demolishing my neighbor’s apartment. I’ve been sitting in different places all over my home this week because my office wall shares space with that construction zone. And my body really just wanted to sit in her chair today, the one in the office that is so much more supportive and comfortable for multiple sessions in a row. Even if it was noisier.

And then it hit me …

This week the space next door is being demolished. Next week while I am on retreat it will be renovated, and the week I return the new will be installed and it will be completely transformed. I had to laugh when I realized this one … oh the metaphors really can bring delight. And letting ourselves be with the lightness, breathe in that space, and find some connection to trust in the process and the journey that is already happening is so so helpful for rising up and out of those mental weeds of doubt and fear and questioning even a little bit.

So that’s what I wanted to share with you today. If it’s brand new to you, or if you needed a reminder, may it support you to also remember that sometimes we really do need to soften into healing and transformation even a little bit more than we had been. And nothing has gone wrong if things feel wild and uncomfortable when you say yes to a new journey.

Until next time …